Fine. I'll sleep in my office
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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