if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
