I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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