the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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