I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
im six kinds of drunk right now
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
