yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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