All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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