I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
