Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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