He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
