woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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