You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
