You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
