oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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