I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
