i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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