It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
