Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
