I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
