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I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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