the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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