When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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