Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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