I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
did i just pee glitter
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
