Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
