Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
