The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The adults are the big ones right?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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