so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
