So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
