First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
