Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
