Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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