Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
