Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
