i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
