you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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