Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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