im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
