just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My penis needs a shock collar
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
