HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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