she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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