you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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