I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
