Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
