Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
