he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
