I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
