I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
