I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
