My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
